Don't Quit Your Day Job

It's no secret the right now the Toronto Maple Leafs look to be, well, on the road to another really awesome April/May...golf tournament. As thus, there seem to be rumblings among the organization that perhaps greener pastures await. Former Leaf goon (shh, don't tell him I said it) Tie Domi was first rumored to be appearing on TV, but current agitator Darcy Tucker was shortly after said to be making his acting debut as well. With both shows now having been aired, it falls to us to decide who has the more promising acting career and who shouldn't hang up their skates quite yet - I conveniently broke down the standings for you:


The Show:
One of the most important factors in the matter is, of course, the show each was featured on. You certainly can't tell me a guest-starring role on a primetime drama doesn't garner more attention that a two minute spot on an afternoon soap. So how do the pair's acting debuts stack up against each other?

Domi: Domi is featured in an episode of the (hilariously) crass Rent-A-Goalie, now in its second season. The half-hour show follows "Cake", as played by Christopher Bolton, a "recovered-from-everything" guy living in Toronto and running a rent-a-goalie service out of a cafe in Little Italy while trying to live by a particular Code of ethics that becomes particularly difficult when dealing with the rag-tag bunch of goalies he's collected. Occasionally ridiculous, always amusing, and oftentimes offensive - but a great time (if you're me, anyway).

Tucker: Tucker, meanwhile, picks up a spot on CBC's Little Mosque on the Prairie, another half hour sitcom focusing on the Muslim population of the fictional town of Mercy, Saskatchewan. The humor is much less crude, but the show itself is charming, and the pilot episode drew a surprising 2.1 million viewers.

Advantage: DRAW. Domi's got the quirkier, more fun show, but Tucker's definitely got the network advantage - CBC certainly draws more viewers.


The Role:
Okay, the premise of the show might be important, but what really matters more is the specific role each played, right? Both actors played themselves, but the episodes themselves put the two in some spectacular situations.

Domi: Episode 2 of Season 2, Domi Daze. Domi requires a goalie to play in his charity game, Cake supplies, somewhere along the line they throw down the gloves, two characters argue over the goon vs. enforcer archetype, and no less than two statues of Domi get built.

Tucker: Episode 5 of Season 2, Mercy Beet. Tucker endorses Mercy-made beet juice in a post-game interview, the town is thrown into an uproar as beet stocks soar, he is then absent for the rest of the episode until he holds yet another press conference at the end where it's revealed that he is now supporting a vile-sounding energy drink.

Advantage: DOMI. He gets upset over next to nothing, throws a bitchfit, fights a guy who seems a fair bit less adept at fighting who really does nothing wrong...so you know, basically he's Tie Domi. Tucker...drinks beet juice and gives stilted interviews about it. Um.


Sex-Appeal:
Don't lie, you know it's important.

Domi:

Tucker:

Advantage: TUCKER. Please don't tell me you require an explanation. Hate him or love him, you can't argue his good looks - even Margee understands.


Popularity:
Fanbase is important!

Domi: Don Cherry explains Domi's popularity like this: "People love guys who give 100 per cent and will drop them every once and a while." He also states, "He was the most popular in Peterborough. He was the most popular in New York, Winnipeg and Toronto." I suppose that's saying a lot.

Tucker: He's the #10 most popular player on Facebook's Hockey Fan application.

Advantage: TUCKER. You don't argue with the Facebook masses.


The Big Scandal:
Every actor needs a good scandal or two under their belt - nothing else grabs attention as well. So how do these two match up?

Domi: Domi's latest and greatest scandal is of course the Belinda Stronach incident: accused of cheating on his wife Leanne who then filed for divorce. Supposedly he also threatened to leave his wife penniless if she hired a lawyer - classy!

Tucker: Tucker, on the other hand, recently got a bunch of attention after his scrums with Sean Avery over his allegations that he was incensed by Avery making comments about teammate Jason Blake's cancer condition.

Advantage: DOMI. Adultery beats out libel.


Acting:
Of course the most important factor is....actual acting talent. Do either of them have any? You decide.

Domi: Those in Canada can check out the episode of Rent-A-Goalie here - for the rest of you, just imagine what you expect Tie Domi acting would be like...and you're probably pretty much right on.

Tucker: Tucker starts off, well...bad, and then it gets, well, a hell of a lot worse:

Advantage: DOMI. His acting was equally bad, but he at least got to spend half of the episode playing hockey and beating people up - which he does much better than either of them act.

FINAL VERDICT: DOMI.

While honestly I would be perfectly all right with never seeing either of them try to do any sort of acting ever again, I have to admit I'm happy with this verdict - Domi's retired and has nothing else to do anyway (although admittedly I'm not sure how many people will be particularly happy to see him all over their TV screens again), and Darcy, according to Cherry, is the "Leafs' best player" - and acting offers less chances for him to beat up Avery.

Either way, I think it really is safe to say neither will be on primetime again any time soon.