02 June 2007

Finally, Cable! (AKA Vermette's Hair vs. Prongers Gaptooth Game 3)

Vermette's hair appears to be trying to break free. Will it give the Senators the edge tonight?

Ahem. I HAVE CABLE.

I don't think I can properly convey just how great a reacquisition this has been, even if it came after a long, somewhat miserable week full of moving to a new apartment. But now we have cable and I've been basking in the world of Detroit Sports since Thursday - not that they've given me anything to be particularly excited about, after the Tigers continue their 0-6 losing streak against the Indians so far this year, and the Pistons depressing double OT loss to the Cavaliers Thursday night (Detroit Bad Boys covered it best). It's lucky for the Wings that Cleveland doesn't have a hockey team.

At any rate, my goal, especially since Sherry won't be around to do it tonight, and it's not fair to place the whole effort on the IPB girls, was to liveblog the game. And then I realized that the Tigers game starts at 7, Antoine Vermette's hair takes on Chris Pronger's stupid gaptooth at 8, and the Pistons at 8:30. So this might turn more into a liveblog of how fast I can swap channels. Anyway!

7:15 PM: My buddy Mik interrupts my searching for FSN (so I don't know my cable channels yet, shush, this is a new thing) by lamenting the finals once again with me. I tell him where my loyalties now fall and he replies:
Darok Echo: I love the way girls look at hockey honestly
Darok Echo: no male commentary matches up to "I'm cheering for that guys HAIR"
I inform him that finding reasons like this is how I am sleeping at night.

7:21 PM:
The Tigers are down already. I decide I really shouldn't break out the booze yet, at least not until dinner, so I watch a few minutes of Scrubs, flipping back and forth to see if it's getting any worse. Hey, Elly uses it to ease hockey pain. It should work for baseball too.

7:28 PM: FSN shows LeBron James walking around. I hiss on reflex.

7:45 PM: While I throw some dinner together (chicken in some sort of "Montreal" seasoning - think it'll help Canada out?), the Tigers manage to score a run and tie it up. I refuse to be optimistic yet.

7:54 PM: Maggggliooooooooo! Just in time to switch the channel - or try to; I have no idea what number NBC yet either.

8:04 PM: Is that Pronger with some scruff going on? I didn't think Lauren would let him. Regardless it still took a lot of restraint not to break my newly acquired cable box by throwing my remote at it to make Prongs go away.

8:07 PM: They're interviewing Chris who's about a foot taller than the interviewer, which is making the poor guy look really silly. His hair has really irritating cowlick and it mesmerizes me so I don't actually hear anything he says. Mik tells me all I missed was ""looooook at mah fat head, looooook at it." I don't doubt. Now we get a cut to the goalies - or rather, Giguere and half of one of Ilya's pads - in the lockerroom. I curse at Giggy and wonder how long before I have to start hating his stupid straw. We have Capri Suns in my fridge and I think about throwing them at the TV next time.

8:10 PM: Ilya sighting! I decide to hate NBC a little less for that, even though it was followed with about a million shots of the Wings getting scored on.

8:14 PM: That Dodge Avenger commercial where the guy plays Smoke on the Water comes on, and the guys I'm watching the game with get into a big debate over whether it would be possible. No, seriously, they're still going into the anthems. I think it concerns them more than the hockey does.

8:20 PM: Chapel announces first that he would like the anthem singer to get stabbed, and that he wantes to see Dallas in the finals just to hear them yell the STARS bit of the anthem. He then wins my undying love for the following statement:
xdreadnaught: Ray Emery, the only man to have Don Cherry envy his wardrobe.
Mik points out that there's a Leafs jersey in the crowd. I whine that if there's going to be a fight, someone should take out Pronger. I'd agree to like the Sens for at least a game then.

8:27 PM: Redden takes a penalty and we're told that Gillette has brought us this pp. We are all amused at a company known for making razors sponsoring something to do with the Cup Finals. Everyone starts booing Pronger and it makes me like Ottawa a little more.

8:29 PM: Okay seriously, must they murder Beauchemin's name so hard? BOWshuhmon? The guys I'm will start joking that they're pronouncing it like "Pokemon" which evolves (no pun intended) into "MY BEAUCHEMINS LET ME SHOW YOU THEM!" I begin to wonder why I'm friends with these people.

8:30 PM: Selanne plays the puck behind the net out to MacDonald who throws it in while Emery's stick is caught in Volchenkov's equipment somehow. Ducks PP goal and the evening starts out upsettingly already. Chapel's contribution: "FLYING V BITCHES!" I wish he were not many miles away and retribution could be had.

8:37 PM: STRAW SIGHTING #1! As expected I cuss out Giguere and totally miss what happens for the next few minutes. I also come to realize that I really don't know Ottawa's lineup outside of the top line and damn Emery. I actually have to go open up the Sens website in an attempt to spell names properly.

8:40 PM: Chapel trying to convince me my loyalties should lie with Ottawa.
YourPianoDrowns: I just can't get behind Pronger.
xdreadnaught: that's what he said?
YourPianoDrowns: touche
8:44 PM: Matching minors for Fisher and Moen. All I saw was a bunch of pushing and shoving like little girls. I'm starting to realize liveblogging games you hate the idea of watching is less a good idea than one might have thought. Emery is really lucky there were no Ducks in front of the net just now.

8:45 PM: Vermette has the puck! I start a rousing cheer for his hair. No one joins in. They're too busy laughing at NBC's announcers discussing what happens when you're playing "man on man" (I do believe they meant "four on four".)

8:51 PM: Ottawa goal! Unfortunately neither Vermette nor his hair had anything to do with it - but I always like seeing Giggy screw up. Of course it's followed up by a shot of that RIDICULOUS STRAW again. This is almost directly followed up by a Baby Nieder shot on goal at which I tell the room that should he score on this, it will mean I am done watching this game. He does not. Big surprise - he only scores on terrible bounces that glance of his skate, right?

8:54 PM: On the commercial I flip to the Tigers game which is now tied 4-4. However, I'm treated with Ordonez praise and Pudge Rodriguez knocking him home with his second double of the night. The more I watch the hockey game the more interested I am in baseball. Flipping back, Dustin Penner decides he'd rather take out a defenseman than shoot the puck.

8:57 PM: The Name That Squirt is, inexplicably, Mario Lemieux? What? I find myself hoping that Elly saw this from the party she's at.

8:58 PM: Ottawa storms the net with twenty or so seconds left and Giguere is inexplicably missing, for a second. They manage to not score regardless, and the period winds down. We're promised an interview with Crosby during the intermission - I think I'll watch basketball.

9:05 PM: Crosby's replaced Hull (who is apparently on the CBC broadcast according to my Canadian friends) and I find myself wishing they'd let him stay there if meant Hull being gone. Unfortunately I'm missing out on Cherry saying things like "Volchokeoff". I miss CBC. Why don't us poor Americans get to see Hull and Cherry argue?

9:17 PM: For some reason there is a giant delay on the Pistons/Cavs second quarter...because the clock isn't working. The announcers treat us to the information that "It's showing the score as 0-0. This might be okay in the Anaheim/Ottawa Stanley Cup Finals game...but not here." Um...thanks for that?

Period 2!

9:18 PM: The announcers let us know "Vermette goes hunting for Beauchemin." One friend kindly suggests "My Beauchemins, let me show you them?" Seconds later Antoine and his glorious hair have a nice opportunity, but fail to make anything of it.

9:21 PM: We're treated to Kelly and the most boring Sounds of the Game ever. I mean I know we can't all be Marty Reasoner, but...

9:23 PM: The NBC announcers think they're clever saying "sweater" instead of "jersey", or something. Either way, Spezza's just got ripped up in a scrum - now, now, boys, save that for after the game. And what, now they can't find another jersey for him? As he's sitting around wearing one of Eaves', my roommate says they should just go up in the stands and get one there - NBC echoes this sentiment a second later.

9:28 PM: Anyone says hand pass and I still look around for McGeough.

9:29 PM: Perry knocks in another Ducks goal. I think I need a beer - and the fact that I think I need a beer over the Sens losing makes me think I need several MORE beers. Ugh. The announcers tell me that a forward in front of the net is thinking: "TAKE IT TO THE NET." Why thanks. They show Giguere and his fucking straw and I yelp "STRAWY!" I have no idea where that Y came from, but I'll roll with it.

9:31 PM: Volchenkov, who for some reason I do not hate as much as some Sens, evens it up right off of a faceoff and subtracts a few beers from my quota. Which then probably just adds a few more. Sigh. This is rough. I flip back to baseball just to see how it's going, and the Tigers lead 8-4. I feel a little bit better.

9:36 PM: Just as I'm commenting about how Getzlaf looks like a douche and how much I inexplicably dislike him, he pots one in behind Emery to bring the Ducks up 3-2. I start whining about how much I miss last year's finals and really having a team to cheer for. Everyone tells me to shut up and calls me a traitor for being an Edmonton fan. I turn my whining to Jordi, who lets me know of course I'm bored by finals without Hemsky. So much more understanding.

9:42 PM: "J.S. Giguere has Chris Pronger right in front of him - a comforting thought." I shouldn't laugh, I shouldn't laugh, I shouldn't laugh...nope, we're laughing. Apparently Giguere can get behind Pronger just fine. Wow, sometimes we really are twelve.

9:46 PM: Giguere made a (gack am I saying something nice?) nice glove stop. The announcers say something about Corvo. Hey, he went to my college.

9:50 PM: Why oh why does NBC feel the need for the fast forwards and the circus music? Also, I admittedly stopped paying attention for a good few minutes and now Ottawa's on the pp - and they score! I feel conflicted, as Antoine again has nothing to do with this - but before I can decide if I'm happy or not, the play's under review. I've learned after that crazy call in game six last year not to trust NBC to wait before calling goals, but I'm told CBC calls it in and I believe them. 3-3.

10:01 PM: PUT IN ILYA COME ON DO IT. By which I mean Giguere was out to lunch leaving Ottawa right there to...give the puck to Pronger to score for them? Immediately Chapel, Mik, most of my living room, and Bethany ask if I'm happy now. I reply yes, take back everything I said about disliking this game and in fact have begun to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Someone in the room said "he's no Lidstrom," referring back to that amazing stop during the Sharks season - damn right.
YourPianoDrowns: man I wish they'd talk to Pronger now
xdreadnaught: "how do you feel about giving ottawa the lead?"
Darok Echo: "chris will your wife snap the leash and move you again in a week?"
Unfortunately the period ends and we do not get anything so awesome.

10:11 PM: Checking the baseball game, I see we're up 9-5. And we're being told that with a "five" (can they count?) run lead you can take some chances. Did they see yesterday's game, Mr. Friendly Announcer?

Period 3!

10:24 PM: Nice chance for Ottawa, but Giguere makes the stop. I'm too distracted by the shot of his goal where you can see his stupid waterbottle and his stupid straw(y) to care about anything else.

10:28 PM: Pronger you douchebag - there he goes looking for yet another suspension, elbowing McAmmond in the head. Unfortunately this means we're treated to some really hideous closeups of Prongs spraying water all over himself and looking smug. As if the Hockey Gods feel bad for me having to watch this series, Getzlaf picks a fight and gets his ass handed to him. We get some more awful closeups of his creepy grin and I'm distracted by half of the Ducks bench cowering and hiding behind their gloves. Um. What?

10:36 PM: Emery wanders around behind the net and my roommate starts going on about how he's in the "pentagram". I inform him that he means "trapezoid", and furtively wish I could make this into something more clever. Seconds later Emery makes a great stick save - I feel a little sick having to praise him, but it was brilliant to watch.

10:42 PM: Thanks in part to my dear Vermette's hair, Volchenkov buries another one!

10:48 PM: After wandering over to IPB to check out their liveblog, I realize that I finally have cable...and there is no Baby Crunchy out there. I am never going to get to use this nickname! Menawhile Getzlaf takes another stupid penalty.

10:50 PM: And the Tigers win it 9-5! We're treated to a cute little Magglio/Granderson bounce-hipcheck looking thing and I am happier about my life. Even as I go back to hockey where I have to admit that this is a good game - a really good game. Except that I keep wallowing in that I don't care who wins, which sort of ruins it.

11:01 PM: Some stuff happened. The announcers are talking about how soon Giguere will be pulled - the prediction is shortly after the pp is over. Unfortunately for them, the Senators are pretty intent on keeping the puck in the Ducks' zone and preventing this. He finally gets out with around 1:31 left. The camera has decided that a giant waving Sens flag is more important than being able to see anything on the left half of the screen.

11:05 PM: NBC gives us a shot of the "Action Line". I squee over the hair of my illicit Sens mistress Vermette (there has to be a better term for this) who's got one assist tonight. Meanwhile, the Sens take the game and I am unsure if I'm happy or not. And so I flip to the basketball game where the Pistons are down by 9 with 10:04 left in a do or die game that could end their season. Bah.

11:39 PM: .....wow Pistons. Way to suck. Guess my days of watching basketball are over - I certainly don't care enough to pay attention to these finals.

5 comments:

KMS2 said...

Getzlaf picks a fight and gets his ass handed to him. We get some more awful closeups of his creepy grin

you forgot: "and impending bald spot"

Interchangeable Parts said...

Steph, this was brilliant! You almost made this game sound... fun? (Really, is it over yet? Could they just do a coin toss for the Cup so we don't have to watch any more of this?)

And kms2, "impending" bald spot? Perhaps, "ever expanding" is a better description for it.

Steph said...

Kms2: I turned away before the bald spot made it nightly appearance. The goonish leer was enough for me.

IP: Thanks! That is quite the compliment assuming you were watching the same game as me. (Yeah around period two I decided "at least if Anaheim wins we might only have to watch one more game." Man. Painful.)

Elly said...

WHY DO I MISS ALL THE GOOD GAMES? WHY?

Elly said...

Also, it took me about five minutes to find out that yes, there was another Senator in that pile in the picture up top.