05 February 2007

Mike Lange: "Well kick me and call me Charlie, she just scored on her own goal!"

Team: Pittsburgh Penguins (shocking, I know)
Uniform Number: I'd say 18, but I couldn't fight Moore over it. So 15.
Position: While my dream would be goalie, I am short and little and couldn't stop a puck to save my life. Right wing.
Nickname: 'Ly, Butterfingers
Dream blueline partner: If I could pick past greats, I would say Larry Murphy or Ulf Sammuelson, because the Pens desperately need an enforcer right now. If not....sigh, Chris Pronger.
Rounding out the Power Play: Sticking to current players, I'd take Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Mark Recchi.
Job: Not screwing up a pass by Sidney, and successfully returning it for a one-two goal. Also, bringing the body and screaming up on the forecheck like a mad woman...which would be the only way I could actually stop.
Signature Move: Flattening the opposing goalie in an attempt to stop and then seeing how many times I could swear on the way to the box for goalie interference without being called on it by the refs.
Strengths: My fast speed.
Weaknesses: Not being able to actually stop skating. Also being distracted by shiny goalie helmets.
Equipment: CCM and Rbk, because I can't say no to Sidney's advertising. Also, Reebok usually makes things that fit women.
Nemeses: the 1994 Rangers.
Scandal Involvement: While in the box I would pull a Tie Domi and start yelling at an extremely air-headed girl in a pink jersey after she said that I had helmet hair.
Who I’d Face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Anaheim. We would come back from a 3 game loss to crank out a heroic win in the Igloo on game 7 with a coast to coast by Mario, who had to get one last goal in.
What I’d do with the Stanley Cup After Our Victory: Eat duck flavored ramen noodles out of it. Don't ask.
Would the Media Love Me or Hate Me: They'd love me for my wit, my endless charm, and my ability to throw a mean right hook on a defenseman who is over a foot taller than I am.
Next up: Hmm...anyone who wants to, I suppose? I'd like to see the guys over at the Pensblog make their dream lines, though.

I promise I'll update with a real update soon, I just had time right now between classes and I couldn't think of anything serious with the pressure of the expired Penguins deadline looming.


Steph said...

Wow, we're really bad at pretending we hate Pronger, aren't we?

Anonymous said...

Ulf Samuelson was a sack of shit, and you're either sick or stupid to mention him. NO ONE in hockey liked him, and he (debatedly... NOT) ended a number of careers. On the other hand, take him. Domi and the Leafs would knock you out as usual. You girls need to stop cutting and pasting other people's words & accept that you like hockey, but haven't loved it forever, as you claim. Nuff said